Realizing it's okay to be a noob at life

I am always so damn negative with myself.

I hold onto all of the poor decisions I've made...decisions made in laziness, apathy, frustration or pettiness...I can't seem to let go of my past transgressions even though all I want is to no longer be haunted by my mistakes.

I've been waking up crying for awhile now...dreaming about how much of a failure I am, how once my mother dies, I feel like no one will truly love me unconditionally, which is terrifying as I know I am not perfect and can drive people batty with some of my mannerisms....and I feel that with my other relationships, I will fuck it up somehow by saying/not saying/doing/not doing something and then I will be unloved and alone. My anxiety has grown over this by several degrees the past few months, although I do my best to hide it.

I tire of always feeling like I am a colossal failure of a mother, and overall human being in general because I should already have my shit together and clearly, I'm not even close.

When I've spoken up about how I deserve nothing, I have lovely lovely people who will nay say any negative deprecating remarks I make about myself, chiming in on how lovely I am and such. It's certainly touching, and I am beyond relieved that there are people out there who have deemed me worthy of kindness/love...the problem has never been with others loving me, it's me not loving myself.

Like...I am aware of my strong points....what I excel at... but when you're focused on yourself as a whole, all those lovely things disappear and you are left going "but WHY would anyone love you, LOOK at yourself" no matter what anyone else might say.

Sounds stupid right? Ah, it's just my mental state ...can't be helped I suppose.

I can only hope my children look back at their time with their mother with some fondness and miss me a bit.

I can only hope my mother is proud of me and who I have become.

I can only hope I am being a good partner to my hubby and a good friend to the ones I hold near and dear.


The one thing that I have learned.... is that NO one has figured out this being alive/thriving shit 100%. We're all struggling in some way/fashion....we are all discovering ourselves...what we will tollerate, what we can achieve, what we can change...but usually you have to fuck up large before you get that moment of "A HA!"and things become clearer or easier to digest...and you're a little more welcoming of yourself, the good and the bad traits.

...but for now...I still believe I am unworthy to have good things in my life due to my perceptions of myself. Maybe one day that will change, but for now... I am always silently dreading being me.

Who ARE you strange lady staring back at me in the mirror

These days, I don't resemble myself at all.

My appearance has changed drastically and I am a much smaller version of who I was before, weight wise.

Due to lack of proper sleep/nutrition, if I don't put on my war paint for the day (aka makeup), I look like I haven't slept in frickin' eons...and because I am a visual component for my job, my appearance is always commented on by everyone I encounter.

"You look tired."

or the ever popular:

"Are you sick? You look rough".

And to those people, I say:

"THIS IS MY FACE YO. MAH FACE. FINE LINES/DARK CIRCLES N SHIT...THIS IS HOW I LOOK NORMALLY....but hey, wtg on making me feel that if I don't look perfect, that I look hideous/ill/dying from some strange disease".

But now...due to the weight loss, EVERYONE wants to discuss it:

"Oh you look so good!...uh, not to say that you didn't look good before...you look better...I...er I mean...did I forget to mention you look great?"

"You must be exercising" or "what diet are you on, the results are great".

...
...

See, I used to be a more voluptuous lass in the day. Fuck, been fighting with the battle of the bulge for so long, it's just become normal.

So, due to having been on the receiving end of the looks of contempt for daring to be overweight, and then seeing these same people being two faced and now welcoming me based solely for superficial reasons, makes me sick to my stomach, 'cause...well, I've always accepted people for who they are, I don't care what they look like/their skin pigmentation/their background/what they may or may not have between their legs, people with disabilities... why should any of that hold any value? It DOESN'T, and SHOULDN'T, and it pisses me off when you see people being all "WOW YOU LOOK GOOD LETS HANG OUT MORE" or "Ooh...you were the token fat chick at our outtings, now you're becoming competition so we can't hang out with you anymore"... honestly, what IN the holy fuck is that nonsense eh? Blows my damn mind.

I guess I'm fed up over how shallow people are, makes me livid sometimes...and makes me want to go hide under my covers and tell the world to fuck right off.