What you see isn't always what you get

I know, the title is cliche', but it fits.

I am in a very weird form of depression. Part numb, part functional, part panic attack.

It's overwhelming to say the least. But no one truly knows just how effin' messed up I am, and I think that may be a good thing.

And there's really not much I can do other than silently deal and push myself beyond my boundaries in order to get things done.

I've totally been slacking with trying to maintain a meticulously clean home due to all the cleaning work I am doing as I am still undertaking more than I should. I am also looking for additional part time work during the evenings or weekends, so I can make more money because things are really effin' tight financially.

And I'm doing this solely on my own. Husband is still not out of the woods with his heart diagnosis plus his epilepsy...but I grow resentful towards getting no help with the housework whatsoever, from him or my daughters, the girls go to their room while I deal with the toddler until he finally goes to sleep.

I am being reminded regularly that I don't listen, and how upsetting that is. I get accused of various things at any given time, and the personal failures I have based on who I should be/what I still need to accomplish... I am basically in an ongoing negative spiral...that's pretty much my own diagnosis. Getting verbally abused at work isn't helping matters.

I am slowly unravelling. When I get to the end of my thread, heaven help us all.