Self to self chat

Thing 1: So, self, how goes things?
Thing 2: Oh I'm surviving, and yourself?
Thing 1: Ditto, just dealin' with things on a day to day basis, you feel me?
Thing 2: Bruh... totally.
Thing 1: Let's stop the bs man, how you really feelin'?
Thing 2: ...I'm stressed, and I need to be intoxicated.
Thing 1: That's the spirit, bottom's up ol' chum! *clinkyclinkclink*

... sometimes I wish I had someone I could express myself in a dorky manner. I miss that stupid silly laugh a thon type deal that one has with good buddies.

I have been severely deprived of having any delight in my life (aside from children/family) for what seems likes eons now. Now don't get me wrong, I'm social as fuck, that's my job... I talk to people all day long. Often times I have to remind myself not to reply with "Hi there, how can I help you?" when my daughters/husband call out my name/ask me something.

Chyeah... it's that bad.

But it's reality... essentially I am at a point in my life where I am only as good as what I can do for others, (or that is how I am made left to feel) because really, really RLY RLY... no one seems to give the proverbial fuck. They say they do, but really, they don't. If you are unable to be a constant presence in their life, you become damn well forgettable. I may have accepted that, but not willingly... I had to come to that bitter realization/acceptance to prevent myself from exploding or something similar. Sometimes I'd like to just stand on that soap box and scream out the injustices of being forgotten... but y'see... I really have no ground to complain, due to the fact that I'm too effin' busy to do anything other than work, come home, and work some more, and then sleep... hell, I can't even get drunk to drown the shit out of my sorrows, so I deal with it soberly. Fun fun stuff, I highly encourage it./end sarcasm

Been dealin' with a lot of big changes at work yet again, and having recovered from a nasty bout of pneumonia and my child's surgery and on again/off again strains with my family... I am really surprised at how I am coping with everything. How am I not a flaming bitch, screaming nastily at everyone I encounter? I sometimes fear that my level of indifference has risen, thus causing me to feel less and less. Feeling nothing definitely frees me from enduring heartache and bullshit... but being numb to the point where I can find no amusement, no enjoyment of life.... man, I can never allow that level of apathy to envelope me fully, have too many dependant people in my life who require my services.

I look forward to the day... where everyone, and I mean everyone... appreciated the fact that I was in their life, for whatever amount of time I knew them, instead of caring less that I exist.