What you see isn't always what you get

I know, the title is cliche', but it fits.

I am in a very weird form of depression. Part numb, part functional, part panic attack.

It's overwhelming to say the least. But no one truly knows just how effin' messed up I am, and I think that may be a good thing.

And there's really not much I can do other than silently deal and push myself beyond my boundaries in order to get things done.

I've totally been slacking with trying to maintain a meticulously clean home due to all the cleaning work I am doing as I am still undertaking more than I should. I am also looking for additional part time work during the evenings or weekends, so I can make more money because things are really effin' tight financially.

And I'm doing this solely on my own. Husband is still not out of the woods with his heart diagnosis plus his epilepsy...but I grow resentful towards getting no help with the housework whatsoever, from him or my daughters, the girls go to their room while I deal with the toddler until he finally goes to sleep.

I am being reminded regularly that I don't listen, and how upsetting that is. I get accused of various things at any given time, and the personal failures I have based on who I should be/what I still need to accomplish... I am basically in an ongoing negative spiral...that's pretty much my own diagnosis. Getting verbally abused at work isn't helping matters.

I am slowly unravelling. When I get to the end of my thread, heaven help us all.

Parenting woes n concerns and happy bits.

I recall my mother telling me with great vigor that one day... ONE DAY... I'd have kids of my own and then, and only then, would I understand her p.o.v.

Well she wasn't whistlin' Dixie that's for sure. Holy shit.

I gotta be fair though... my two daughters who are now both teenagers, are two lovely wonderful creatures... they have manners, do absolutely excellent in school, and have a good sense of self, which is something I've only just recently come to know myself.

And it is true... once you've been an adult for awhile, you start to say the same things your parents/grandparents said :

"You call THAT music?"

"Turn off the light after you are done using it, it costs money!"

"Would you please pick up after yourself, I am not a maid y'know"

"So this is the new slang eh? Neat-o" (to which they roll their eyes)

Yes... we all do become some form of our parents. Embrace eet, cause denial will get you nowhere.

Unfortunately there are things going on with the modern teenager that we never had to face. With technology the way it is... sexting, verbally abusive texts, even bullying has become so much worse now that people can be anonymous while doing so... creating fb pages aimed at one person, or people targeting teens on instagram who have let it be known they're depressed (my youngest daughter informed me of this and had mentioned she had been targeted, but that although there were nasty people on there doing this, that she actually had a lot of positive encouragement from other members who had informed her she had been targeted and how to prevent them from continuing to do so by changing some of the settings).

Holy fuck, what is going on in this world?? *shakes head sadly*

Although I have gone through many lengths to educate my girls of the good and bad in this world, and not to let some ignorant lil shit to get into their head... I still worry profusely. I hate that I can't protect them anymore... all a good parent can do is arm them with knowledge and understanding of this world and then hope they were listening.

Also my worry just increases due to the fact that, as all teenagers have before them including myself, distance ourselves from our parental units... not just with them not communicating openly like they once did, but them locking themselves into their room, sometimes coming out to give an occasional grunt or 'meh' when asked how their day went, grabbing something to eat, then going back into the confines of their room. Now that I'm an adult, distancing myself to that extent is the last thing on the agenda...when I'm stressed out, sure I keep a tight lid on how I'm doing (I figure people are going through enough and don't need to worry about me)... but I suppose we all need a sanctuary... somewhere we can hide and feel comfortable... but goodness, I miss the time we would spend when they were only a few years younger :/ Playing cards with the 'rents isn't as enjoyable as a pastime as it once was.

It's scary not truly knowing what a teenager is thinking or dealing with... assumptions can backfire, and straight up demanding to know will get you fucking nowhere. I just feel badly, because I CAN vividly recall how stressful highschool was... the demands for excellence, trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, and then there's the outside world problems that can weigh down heavily on our lovely lil childrens heads/hearts... war, violence, bullying, indifference, financial difficulty...it can seem like everything's against you with nothing positive to look forward to. Us adults get jaded/indifferent after awhile... heartaches don't devastate us, problems don't frazzle us, and we don't just throw our hands up in the air and exclaim "I give up!"... but they have yet to experience all the things we have, everything is all fresh and new and overwhelming at times, gotta keep that in mind.

The girls and I had a pow wow not too long ago, and it was well needed. Sometimes as adults we're too self absorbed with our own stresses and concerns, that to us, their problems seem less and we tend to dismiss it or figure they're doing okay because they didn't bring anything to our attention. They don't have to suffer in silence.

Assume nothing folks. Remind them how much you care, how proud of them you are, praise them for taking initiative... these kids are going to be running the world when we're too old to give a fuck, they need to feel confident enough to do so, and that's our job (aside from being maids/nags/therapists/cleaners) so take it seriously...because once those moments of childhood are gone, you can't get them back.

Parenting is a hard ass job, but the rewards are totally worth it (if you are lucky enough to remain sane through it all, then you're a stronger person than I lol). And although, at times, I feel like a complete failure with this parenting business... when I see how lovely all 3 of my children have become... it gives me hope that I'm not fucking everything up, at least.

Soon my girls will be young adults, and we will have a different kind of relationship...it'll be a bit weird, since we all look at our kids like they're still babies, but I look forward to watching them evolve into adults.

And then I will endure the teenage years once more when my lil guy grows up... time to start writing some notes down now so I'll (hopefully) be better prepared when he's a teen!

I just met you, and this is crazy, but I will tell you my whole life story, so like me baby

Once upon a time in a magical land...

Okay scratch that magical land shit. Let's try this again.

Once upon a time back when I was younger and more naive than I currently am, I used to be an open book/heart on the sleeve sort of lass. I was always sharing about my thoughts/opinions/life...maybe because I thought I was hot shit, who knows.

But then facebook came to be. And although I resisted for the longest time, I eventually caved in and joined.

What a damn mistake that was, eesh.

It's like the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave /insert instrumental solo.

There is such a thing as giving too much information folks. Before the dawning of facebook, people would actually have something to converse about with a friend they hadn't spoken to in awhile, which was bloody well awesome. Now, with how everyone wants to showcase their whole world daily on facebook, there's not much to the imagination, and now that fb has the ability to be used through an app on most phones, EVERYONE AND THEIR PET MONKEY now feel the urge to inform the masses about every single little fucking thing they do, and take pictures to document it no less.

And don't even get me started on twitter and all the rest of those useless social media sites, what a fucking waste.

Does no one want to be mysterious anymore? Is that a passing fad like msn messenger?

But I can't escape from people wanting to inform me about every little thing... I have random interactions with random people throughout the day, and no matter where I go, there is always someone spilling their guts about issues I really have no business in being informed upon. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hearing about my family and close friends' lives/opinions, I'm referring to people that I don't/barely know).

I remember one time I was waiting for a bus at the hospital *can't even remember why I was at the hospital that day, I'm sure there was a good reason..* and this lady came hobbling up towards me and sat down beside me. Me being me, I struck up general chit chat as we waited for that godforsaken bus to arrive, and I guess me being generally friendly was enough of a cue for her to then go into detail about the injustices/unpleasant situations currently happening in her life. I just stared at her bug eyed as she went on about how her daughter broke her leg and how her kids have abandoned her... then, as if she could read my mind, she said "I don't know why I'm telling you this... there's just something about you that makes me feel comfortable to tell you".

People have been saying that to me all my life. "Something about you..." what the fuck does that even mean?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN PPL FFS.

I personally think that with how the world is currently, that although people don't mind sharing what's on their mind at any given moment, there's many people that could care less to hear it, and when they find someone that's friendly and doesn't mind listening, they become this sort of emotional parasite that leeches on to you. It's both kinda sweet and rather sad... they have to reach out to some stranger because their own family/friends could care less to inquire as to how they're doing. :/

It's overkill, and I put most blame on how everyone's zoned in to their phone/apps/social media sites... no one knows how to properly communicate and LISTEN... they just want to say what they want to say, yet they want everyone to notice...it's actually kinda funny in a sad way.

Now now, I can see the "OMG YOU'RE SO HYPOCRITICAL, YOU'RE WRITING IN A BLOG TO GET ATTENTION" look in your eyes (okay fine, can't actually SEE it, but I'm pretty damn sure you are thinking it)... actually no, cause barely a soul even knows I have this journal, this is mostly for me to vent and for the very slim few that read it, this journal is away to occupy a few moments of their time and perhaps give them a chuckle.... can't be bothered to go through the steps to make myself be known to all of the internet like I did waaaaaaaaay back when I had my domain...even then I couldn't contend with all the popular site owners who would do cam shows and wear barely fuck all in attempts to get more people to their site... I have always been a W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G kind of girl. Plus, I just don't have it in me to go and update this waste of space on the regular...and I'm pretty sure I'd run out of things to say eventually if I was trying to be clever with this journal 24/7.

I just find that I'm becoming more disenchanted with the online world... before it was a place to meet people and interact, there were so many new things to explore, it was a great way to spend your time. A lot of my buddies are people I met online, and have managed to keep as great friends as the years have passed... but these days,trying to find decent genuine people who aren't self absorbed is almost unheard of. People are rude as fuck, hiding under anonymity, harassing people for their own amusement, but in reality they wouldn't have the balls to say half the shit they do... and yet, you would think that, due to how easily our information is available online, whether from us posting it on fb/etc, that we would be more careful about disclosing our valuable information/whereabouts.

Now it's become one big circle jerk.

I miss the days where we could have something worth sharing to tell our friends/family members. I also miss how people used to listen.

If more people would be kinder to their fellow man/woman IN REAL LIFE... then perhaps there wouldn't be ladies like the one at the bus stop, who latch on to anyone who smiles in their direction.

I won't change the fact that I have an empathetic heart... I just wish more people would do the same instead of being all about themselves.

How to deal

At some point in our lives we've been given a bad hand.

And those of us who have been given the shitty end of the stick will take whatever is thrown their way and continue forward.

That doesn't mean that we're having an easy time doing so.

This year has proven to be one of the most stressful/unfair periods of my lifetime. And yet... I still keep on truckin' despite how down I feel.

Even I surprise myself. Death after death, unfairness after unfairness... I'm starting to wonder/worry as to when I will break. Yet I see people bitch about the most trivial bs on the regular... I wonder what would happen if they truly went through hardship... goodness knows we'd all know it due to them posting it on their fb to announce it to the world *headdesk*

When going through tough times, we must be grateful for the lil things...If it weren't for the love I receive from my family... I doubt I could have survived it all without becoming bitter as fuck.

I am thankful to be stubborn in times like these... for if it were not for my stubbornness or having something to live for *my children/my partner in crime* I doubt I'd still be here... or be sane.

I have moments of self pity like the rest... wondering what on earth did I do to deserve all the shit that's come my way.

But the reality is, no one truly deserves the shitty circumstances they are dealt (for the most part)... life is unfair, the world is unfair... we all go through adversity and challenging times...it's what we do during these hard times that defines our character.

Although lately I've been feeling like I'm at the breaking point, somewhere deep inside there is a part of me strong enough to shrug off all the unpleasant factors currently in my life and keep on livin' my life.

I would like to think that I will be given a better year in 2015, but I don't want to jinx myself.

Gotta get my groove back.

I must have lost it while having to deal with all the random shit that's been coming my way as of late.

I barely eat throughout the day due to runnin' around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and wind up eating at night, which has caused me to gain weight. Thankfully the extra poundage doesn't phase my big fella, he's loved me during my chubbier days and my slimmer days without complaint...but eh, I HATE how chubbeh my cheeks are, I look like I'm 16 ffs .__.;

I barely sleep... I work my ass off all day, then come home and deal with the demands of a toddler, a teenager who's changed her mannerisms so much that sometimes I feel like I barely know her, a tween who feels everything and tends to be a bit on the dramatic side at times, whilst maintaining a clean household/cooking etc etc. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of myself properly, nevermind tending to everything else and then having to change how I interact with my children as they change... but we all have to evolve and strive to be better, otherwise things get stagnant.

The past few months we've been going through a lot more paper work/transitions...now, even though things have somewhat calmed down, things were crazy hectic since March... and all this flurry of activity and change has left me a nervous wreck... all I do is think about work, which is not healthy.

I don't have an outlet really, other than here, which I don't usually feel inspired to write in.. my mind tends to draw a blank, or I just don't want to share the feelings of RAWR and GRRR that I've been storing silently in the back of my grey matter. I don't draw anymore, or read, or play video games (since my wii up and died on me), none of my friends talk to me (with the exception of a small group, who are busy with their own lives) so... methinks I may be reaching my rock bottom.

Something's gotta give...and I hope it won't be me. :c

Welcome to the corporate world lil girl.

In movies, most corporations are showcased as unscrupulous rapacious organizations that thrive on budget cuts, manipulation, deligating work and absolving themselves from blame, thanks to their expensive lawyers.

In most cases reality and fantasy are on different ends of the spectrum, but I am discovering that the movie's representation of big companies is damn well realistic.

I admit I've been naive pertaining to all the in's and out's of the corporate world...but the harsh reality is very eye opening and I now know why I was taught 3 special letters: CYA = Cover your ass.

Because if you don't cover your ass, no one will do it for you.

Have a meeting tomorrow. Should be interesting. We're arming ourselves with knowledge, I will no longer allow myself to continue my naive way of thinking... time to embrace the fact that in order for me to find the answers I seek, I need to ask the right questions.

Here's hoping tomorrow proves to be an eye opening experience to all parties involved.

Just once...

...I would like to go a day without being reprimanded...or questioned...or nagged at...or bitched at.

Because...it's really starting to get to me.

Apparently everything I attempt to do is wrong. I'm not managing my time well enough...I'm not documenting things immediately...I react to things improperly, my organizational skills are apparently lacking.

I am so fed up with being analyzed on the regular. I know...it's part of the job, or so they say.

Due to the fact that I have no one to talk to about my frustrations,  having to keep my feelings/opinions bottled up is not helping my emotional and mental well being. My hubby informs me that I'm handling situations wrong, that I shouldn't stress...that if I keep on taking things to heart that I may find that this job is not meant for me. Well, isn't that helpful. I'm sure he meant it to be...he's an upfront sort of fellow and I know he dislikes seeing me upset, but telling me I am doing things wrong...doesn't make me feel any better, I just feel like more of a failure for not being able to let things slide off me like water off a ducks back without feeling it's affect like he can. I lack the ability to be indifferent.

My fellow co workers are too busy with their own agenda to be concerned with mine, which is understandable...but it was really nice to be able to vent with a colleague when I was stressed out...I would feel lighter afterwards, and feel rejuvenated...alas, I have been informed that I am to keep to my own building and not bother my coworkers. Hell I can't even have a cig with my fellow RM directly across the street....so much for "teamwork".

My employer informed me that in several months I would become a wonderful Resident Manager.

...so what am I now? Mediocre?

I do my best to take things in stride and not allow my sensitive nature to interfere with my work...but I am an emotional creature naturally, and if I have to keep suppressing myself for the sake of not bothering people that are supposed to have my well being in mind, then I will eventually lose to my depression which has been lingering over my head for months.

I'm not a superwoman. I am human, I make mistakes, but for the mistakes I make...what about the good that I do? Why does that not get taken into account?

Methinks opening one of my various bottles of wine tonight may help to take the edge off, because nothing else has.

:c