Realizing it's okay to be a noob at life

I am always so damn negative with myself.

I hold onto all of the poor decisions I've made...decisions made in laziness, apathy, frustration or pettiness...I can't seem to let go of my past transgressions even though all I want is to no longer be haunted by my mistakes.

I've been waking up crying for awhile now...dreaming about how much of a failure I am, how once my mother dies, I feel like no one will truly love me unconditionally, which is terrifying as I know I am not perfect and can drive people batty with some of my mannerisms....and I feel that with my other relationships, I will fuck it up somehow by saying/not saying/doing/not doing something and then I will be unloved and alone. My anxiety has grown over this by several degrees the past few months, although I do my best to hide it.

I tire of always feeling like I am a colossal failure of a mother, and overall human being in general because I should already have my shit together and clearly, I'm not even close.

When I've spoken up about how I deserve nothing, I have lovely lovely people who will nay say any negative deprecating remarks I make about myself, chiming in on how lovely I am and such. It's certainly touching, and I am beyond relieved that there are people out there who have deemed me worthy of kindness/love...the problem has never been with others loving me, it's me not loving myself.

Like...I am aware of my strong points....what I excel at... but when you're focused on yourself as a whole, all those lovely things disappear and you are left going "but WHY would anyone love you, LOOK at yourself" no matter what anyone else might say.

Sounds stupid right? Ah, it's just my mental state ...can't be helped I suppose.

I can only hope my children look back at their time with their mother with some fondness and miss me a bit.

I can only hope my mother is proud of me and who I have become.

I can only hope I am being a good partner to my hubby and a good friend to the ones I hold near and dear.


The one thing that I have learned.... is that NO one has figured out this being alive/thriving shit 100%. We're all struggling in some way/fashion....we are all discovering ourselves...what we will tollerate, what we can achieve, what we can change...but usually you have to fuck up large before you get that moment of "A HA!"and things become clearer or easier to digest...and you're a little more welcoming of yourself, the good and the bad traits.

...but for now...I still believe I am unworthy to have good things in my life due to my perceptions of myself. Maybe one day that will change, but for now... I am always silently dreading being me.

Who ARE you strange lady staring back at me in the mirror

These days, I don't resemble myself at all.

My appearance has changed drastically and I am a much smaller version of who I was before, weight wise.

Due to lack of proper sleep/nutrition, if I don't put on my war paint for the day (aka makeup), I look like I haven't slept in frickin' eons...and because I am a visual component for my job, my appearance is always commented on by everyone I encounter.

"You look tired."

or the ever popular:

"Are you sick? You look rough".

And to those people, I say:

"THIS IS MY FACE YO. MAH FACE. FINE LINES/DARK CIRCLES N SHIT...THIS IS HOW I LOOK NORMALLY....but hey, wtg on making me feel that if I don't look perfect, that I look hideous/ill/dying from some strange disease".

But now...due to the weight loss, EVERYONE wants to discuss it:

"Oh you look so good!...uh, not to say that you didn't look good before...you look better...I...er I mean...did I forget to mention you look great?"

"You must be exercising" or "what diet are you on, the results are great".

...
...

See, I used to be a more voluptuous lass in the day. Fuck, been fighting with the battle of the bulge for so long, it's just become normal.

So, due to having been on the receiving end of the looks of contempt for daring to be overweight, and then seeing these same people being two faced and now welcoming me based solely for superficial reasons, makes me sick to my stomach, 'cause...well, I've always accepted people for who they are, I don't care what they look like/their skin pigmentation/their background/what they may or may not have between their legs, people with disabilities... why should any of that hold any value? It DOESN'T, and SHOULDN'T, and it pisses me off when you see people being all "WOW YOU LOOK GOOD LETS HANG OUT MORE" or "Ooh...you were the token fat chick at our outtings, now you're becoming competition so we can't hang out with you anymore"... honestly, what IN the holy fuck is that nonsense eh? Blows my damn mind.

I guess I'm fed up over how shallow people are, makes me livid sometimes...and makes me want to go hide under my covers and tell the world to fuck right off.

Time flies when you're being productive

Gawd, it's been so long since I've written my thoughts out in this manner...that it feels foreign to me.

Gone are the days when I used to divulge every facet of my daily life, including dealing with nasal drip issues.

Aside from having a new job (wasn't my choice, company decided to sell the buildings in hamilton) lately I have been dealin' with my depression which is nothing new, but I am now what I consider 'functionally depressed'... I still feel blue as fuck but it doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do.

Kinda feel numb. I go through the actions as most normal people do, but I know full well I will never be considered normal.

Kinda stings a bit, because when I hear those terms I know they are viewing me like I do not belong because I'm not a cookie cutter copy of everyone else in existance, but then again I don't think I could even be what is considered normal...am I failure for not being like everyone else? Sometimes I am made to feel that way, innocently enough.

But I get tired of being called 'weird' or 'crazy'.... people really need to hone in on their vocabulary skills, so many wonderful words out there and they can't see past labeling someone something basic, cause it's easier for them to do so instead of perhaps reflecting upon themselves for being so lamely mediocre.

Why must I love people despite themselves so much? Makes it harder to hate them.

work work work work work

I apparently have an occupation, that, when you are already over extending yourself, they figure:

"Congratulations on being so proficient, here's MORE work for you to do because...we believe in you".

More like...

"No one else is willing to bend themselves into a pretzel to help this company out, and since you're pretty much the only one, we'll just give you additional tasks instead of perhaps...getting additional staff".

Don't get me wrong, for the most part my job is great... I have the social skills to be able to appease mostly everyone I encounter...paperwork is detailed and all that jazz. Every job has it's ups and downs... but I feel as though I'm not getting the proper credit for my efforts.

Being paid more for the additional work is fabulous, but being left to my own devices for long durations because my employers feel I can handle anything/everything (mostly due to no one else feeling the need to help out their fellow co worker and if I didn't offer my services, they would be fucked)....it gets a lil old, fast, y'know?

I have managed to lose 70 lbs in 3 months due to the stress I have been dealing with. Yeah, happy to be lighter, but not by these means.

I can only hope that my efforts prove worthwhile and I have the ability to climb up the levels of success...and not be rewarded with an inexpensive trinket at our yearly company get together.

Please think happy thoughts for me as I will soon be embarking on a quest for madness by covering for another coworker while he's getting married...for 10 days... and then I will be working every single day consecutively this month as I am also covering for who was covering for me when I went on vacation earlier this year.

*deep cleansing breaths*

Sometimes I wonder if my girls truly realize just how much I do :/

Disected.

Have you ever been faced with a side to you that you often excused, or dismissed?

Have you ever had people you love dissect you, showing the ugly truth as to who you are as a person compared to what you believed to be true of you?

Yeah.. it's pretty heavy. Necessary, indefinitely, however... realizing that you have failed on such a profound extreme due to lack of a vertebrae and selfishness...definitely breaks your heart quite a bit.

"It took so long
To realize
I can still hear
her last goodbyes

Now all my days
I'm filled in fears
Wish I could go back
And change the years

We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss"

Change is already in active play, been on the pathway up the hill to get to the other side...the obstacles are only the ones I put in the place of success at this point, must prove to myself and loved ones that I am worthy of their love and respect.

Fix things, you ignorant twat of a human being.

Self to self chat

Thing 1: So, self, how goes things?
Thing 2: Oh I'm surviving, and yourself?
Thing 1: Ditto, just dealin' with things on a day to day basis, you feel me?
Thing 2: Bruh... totally.
Thing 1: Let's stop the bs man, how you really feelin'?
Thing 2: ...I'm stressed, and I need to be intoxicated.
Thing 1: That's the spirit, bottom's up ol' chum! *clinkyclinkclink*

... sometimes I wish I had someone I could express myself in a dorky manner. I miss that stupid silly laugh a thon type deal that one has with good buddies.

I have been severely deprived of having any delight in my life (aside from children/family) for what seems likes eons now. Now don't get me wrong, I'm social as fuck, that's my job... I talk to people all day long. Often times I have to remind myself not to reply with "Hi there, how can I help you?" when my daughters/husband call out my name/ask me something.

Chyeah... it's that bad.

But it's reality... essentially I am at a point in my life where I am only as good as what I can do for others, (or that is how I am made left to feel) because really, really RLY RLY... no one seems to give the proverbial fuck. They say they do, but really, they don't. If you are unable to be a constant presence in their life, you become damn well forgettable. I may have accepted that, but not willingly... I had to come to that bitter realization/acceptance to prevent myself from exploding or something similar. Sometimes I'd like to just stand on that soap box and scream out the injustices of being forgotten... but y'see... I really have no ground to complain, due to the fact that I'm too effin' busy to do anything other than work, come home, and work some more, and then sleep... hell, I can't even get drunk to drown the shit out of my sorrows, so I deal with it soberly. Fun fun stuff, I highly encourage it./end sarcasm

Been dealin' with a lot of big changes at work yet again, and having recovered from a nasty bout of pneumonia and my child's surgery and on again/off again strains with my family... I am really surprised at how I am coping with everything. How am I not a flaming bitch, screaming nastily at everyone I encounter? I sometimes fear that my level of indifference has risen, thus causing me to feel less and less. Feeling nothing definitely frees me from enduring heartache and bullshit... but being numb to the point where I can find no amusement, no enjoyment of life.... man, I can never allow that level of apathy to envelope me fully, have too many dependant people in my life who require my services.

I look forward to the day... where everyone, and I mean everyone... appreciated the fact that I was in their life, for whatever amount of time I knew them, instead of caring less that I exist.

We do what we must.

I am a silent ball of nervous energy currently, awaiting a future discussion I will be having this evening.

This meeting may result in a big change, whether for the good or the bad is currently unclear...and that anxiousness of the unknown is making my insides tense.

As always, I hope for a calm civil discussion, the chance to make right, to evolve in every possible meaning.

But we shall see the outcome, I can only hope things turn out well and go forward in a positive direction.

The downfall of our society? Technology

Ah I can hear the discontent from here..

"How can you say technology hasn't helped humanity?!"

Very easily, as I just demonstrated when making the title for this blog post.

Now I'm not batshit crazy... I can definitely see some of the good that has happened by people's curiosity to explore the unknown and create helpful devices through technology.... hospitals have seen major improvements because of these people's determination to make technology work for us in the long run, for which I am thankful.

However, people have become so obsessed with their phone (or as I call it, their other limb due to the fact that they "can't live without it") to the point that they panic if they can't get wifi or get the latest updates on fb/twitter/instagram etc etc.

I've bitched about this before, but this issue is starting to get more out of hand as the months pass.

Do you know that they are trying to create sex robots who will be programmed to help their owner get an emotional attachment to them?? Reminds me of that one episode from Futurama, where they had to give a warning to those who chose a robot over a real human for companionship. It's coming true people!

Now people don't even try to get to know someone first, they stalk them on google/facebook, and judge them solely on appearance...they'll swipe you out of their memory before you even had a chance. When you're out in public, I don't know HOW many times I've had someone ram into me due to texting and walking. They don't give a shit because dammit, they have online priorities. Don't even get me started with texting and driving.

Or let's say you have a get together of people, and you'll still see these very people you invited, totally zoned out on their phone, texting to people who aren't there. FOR FUCK SAKES, PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE AND INTERACT YOU RUDE ASS PRICKS!.

Some people are also of the same mindset as me... now there are people who, if they decide to have a bunch of friends/family go out to eat, will take your phone, put it in the middle of a table and whomever decides to reach for their phone pays the bill. It's clever, but also quite pathetic that you have to go through those steps JUST to ensure that everyone is focusing on the people there instead of looking up pointless shit or snapping a pic of your food...NO ONE CARES.

I once dated a fellow who couldn't fathom how I didn't have a phone, even offered to buy me one, and seemed genuinely confused as to how I really did not desire a phone of my own.

I guess my yearning for people to go back to 'olden times' of conversing face to face or making an actual phone call has labeled me an oddball, but I'd rather be an oddball then relying on an ipad/iphone in order to amuse myself/keep me informed. Get a hobby and read the newspaper, you lazy fucks.

There seems to be a miscommunication in affect.

Sometimes I am left to feel that my opinion means squat.

At work, at home...basically my feelings are really unimportant to factor in, and my facts? Those only get embraced when I'm having a nervous fucking breakdown.

I may, for a fleeting moment, manage to convey to acquaintances and loved ones alike, that perhaps maybe, JUST maybe, they should be a little kinder, a lil more helpful...a lil more compassionate than what they currently are...but it only lasts for a brief while, and then the issues continue right from where they left off.

I am a peacemaker. I have been essentially been molded into one since I was younger due to seeing frequent arguments and bitter people around me. I hate drama, I hate conflict, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prevent things from escalating at an unpleasant rate, but due to how I handle things, I am being pegged as ignoring other people's opinions.

Let me clarify, I hear you, but I also can predict with a good amount of accuracy as to how it will all fold out due to people being too stubborn to see how their actions or lack thereof, affect others. Sometimes I make hard choices...choices I know will make someone upset, but it keeps the peace.  A burden I bear I suppose.

I can see the big picture people. I am witness to how things unravel if I don't try to keep the peace. And let me tell you, it's fucking emotional torture.

And so, due to my quest on keeping harmony, I have been labeled as 'wishy washy' or 'I go as the wind blows'. People who think that can keeping thinking that if it suits them, I tire of having to try to explain myself to certain people, just to realize that all my explaining is for naught and they will continue to think what they will.

I just find it funny that when I give the option "If I'm that draining...that horrible of a person as you portray me to be, why are you still choosing to have me in your life?" I never get an answer...so I guess people just want to bitch for the sake of bitching...perhaps they are uncomfortable with me possibly showcasing that their mannerisms/ways of dealing with conflict are not as sublime as they perceive them to be, and they just don't like someone unintentionally showing their true traits to them, as opposed to people who will be all "OH YOU"RE THE BEST" to your face, but lacking spines, they say shit behind your back.

I'm a nice person, and it takes a lot for me to stray from that mentality, but if I'm pissed off, there's a damn good reason.

What you see isn't always what you get

I know, the title is cliche', but it fits.

I am in a very weird form of depression. Part numb, part functional, part panic attack.

It's overwhelming to say the least. But no one truly knows just how effin' messed up I am, and I think that may be a good thing.

And there's really not much I can do other than silently deal and push myself beyond my boundaries in order to get things done.

I've totally been slacking with trying to maintain a meticulously clean home due to all the cleaning work I am doing as I am still undertaking more than I should. I am also looking for additional part time work during the evenings or weekends, so I can make more money because things are really effin' tight financially.

And I'm doing this solely on my own. Husband is still not out of the woods with his heart diagnosis plus his epilepsy...but I grow resentful towards getting no help with the housework whatsoever, from him or my daughters, the girls go to their room while I deal with the toddler until he finally goes to sleep.

I am being reminded regularly that I don't listen, and how upsetting that is. I get accused of various things at any given time, and the personal failures I have based on who I should be/what I still need to accomplish... I am basically in an ongoing negative spiral...that's pretty much my own diagnosis. Getting verbally abused at work isn't helping matters.

I am slowly unravelling. When I get to the end of my thread, heaven help us all.

Parenting woes n concerns and happy bits.

I recall my mother telling me with great vigor that one day... ONE DAY... I'd have kids of my own and then, and only then, would I understand her p.o.v.

Well she wasn't whistlin' Dixie that's for sure. Holy shit.

I gotta be fair though... my two daughters who are now both teenagers, are two lovely wonderful creatures... they have manners, do absolutely excellent in school, and have a good sense of self, which is something I've only just recently come to know myself.

And it is true... once you've been an adult for awhile, you start to say the same things your parents/grandparents said :

"You call THAT music?"

"Turn off the light after you are done using it, it costs money!"

"Would you please pick up after yourself, I am not a maid y'know"

"So this is the new slang eh? Neat-o" (to which they roll their eyes)

Yes... we all do become some form of our parents. Embrace eet, cause denial will get you nowhere.

Unfortunately there are things going on with the modern teenager that we never had to face. With technology the way it is... sexting, verbally abusive texts, even bullying has become so much worse now that people can be anonymous while doing so... creating fb pages aimed at one person, or people targeting teens on instagram who have let it be known they're depressed (my youngest daughter informed me of this and had mentioned she had been targeted, but that although there were nasty people on there doing this, that she actually had a lot of positive encouragement from other members who had informed her she had been targeted and how to prevent them from continuing to do so by changing some of the settings).

Holy fuck, what is going on in this world?? *shakes head sadly*

Although I have gone through many lengths to educate my girls of the good and bad in this world, and not to let some ignorant lil shit to get into their head... I still worry profusely. I hate that I can't protect them anymore... all a good parent can do is arm them with knowledge and understanding of this world and then hope they were listening.

Also my worry just increases due to the fact that, as all teenagers have before them including myself, distance ourselves from our parental units... not just with them not communicating openly like they once did, but them locking themselves into their room, sometimes coming out to give an occasional grunt or 'meh' when asked how their day went, grabbing something to eat, then going back into the confines of their room. Now that I'm an adult, distancing myself to that extent is the last thing on the agenda...when I'm stressed out, sure I keep a tight lid on how I'm doing (I figure people are going through enough and don't need to worry about me)... but I suppose we all need a sanctuary... somewhere we can hide and feel comfortable... but goodness, I miss the time we would spend when they were only a few years younger :/ Playing cards with the 'rents isn't as enjoyable as a pastime as it once was.

It's scary not truly knowing what a teenager is thinking or dealing with... assumptions can backfire, and straight up demanding to know will get you fucking nowhere. I just feel badly, because I CAN vividly recall how stressful highschool was... the demands for excellence, trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life, and then there's the outside world problems that can weigh down heavily on our lovely lil childrens heads/hearts... war, violence, bullying, indifference, financial difficulty...it can seem like everything's against you with nothing positive to look forward to. Us adults get jaded/indifferent after awhile... heartaches don't devastate us, problems don't frazzle us, and we don't just throw our hands up in the air and exclaim "I give up!"... but they have yet to experience all the things we have, everything is all fresh and new and overwhelming at times, gotta keep that in mind.

The girls and I had a pow wow not too long ago, and it was well needed. Sometimes as adults we're too self absorbed with our own stresses and concerns, that to us, their problems seem less and we tend to dismiss it or figure they're doing okay because they didn't bring anything to our attention. They don't have to suffer in silence.

Assume nothing folks. Remind them how much you care, how proud of them you are, praise them for taking initiative... these kids are going to be running the world when we're too old to give a fuck, they need to feel confident enough to do so, and that's our job (aside from being maids/nags/therapists/cleaners) so take it seriously...because once those moments of childhood are gone, you can't get them back.

Parenting is a hard ass job, but the rewards are totally worth it (if you are lucky enough to remain sane through it all, then you're a stronger person than I lol). And although, at times, I feel like a complete failure with this parenting business... when I see how lovely all 3 of my children have become... it gives me hope that I'm not fucking everything up, at least.

Soon my girls will be young adults, and we will have a different kind of relationship...it'll be a bit weird, since we all look at our kids like they're still babies, but I look forward to watching them evolve into adults.

And then I will endure the teenage years once more when my lil guy grows up... time to start writing some notes down now so I'll (hopefully) be better prepared when he's a teen!

I just met you, and this is crazy, but I will tell you my whole life story, so like me baby

Once upon a time in a magical land...

Okay scratch that magical land shit. Let's try this again.

Once upon a time back when I was younger and more naive than I currently am, I used to be an open book/heart on the sleeve sort of lass. I was always sharing about my thoughts/opinions/life...maybe because I thought I was hot shit, who knows.

But then facebook came to be. And although I resisted for the longest time, I eventually caved in and joined.

What a damn mistake that was, eesh.

It's like the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave /insert instrumental solo.

There is such a thing as giving too much information folks. Before the dawning of facebook, people would actually have something to converse about with a friend they hadn't spoken to in awhile, which was bloody well awesome. Now, with how everyone wants to showcase their whole world daily on facebook, there's not much to the imagination, and now that fb has the ability to be used through an app on most phones, EVERYONE AND THEIR PET MONKEY now feel the urge to inform the masses about every single little fucking thing they do, and take pictures to document it no less.

And don't even get me started on twitter and all the rest of those useless social media sites, what a fucking waste.

Does no one want to be mysterious anymore? Is that a passing fad like msn messenger?

But I can't escape from people wanting to inform me about every little thing... I have random interactions with random people throughout the day, and no matter where I go, there is always someone spilling their guts about issues I really have no business in being informed upon. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hearing about my family and close friends' lives/opinions, I'm referring to people that I don't/barely know).

I remember one time I was waiting for a bus at the hospital *can't even remember why I was at the hospital that day, I'm sure there was a good reason..* and this lady came hobbling up towards me and sat down beside me. Me being me, I struck up general chit chat as we waited for that godforsaken bus to arrive, and I guess me being generally friendly was enough of a cue for her to then go into detail about the injustices/unpleasant situations currently happening in her life. I just stared at her bug eyed as she went on about how her daughter broke her leg and how her kids have abandoned her... then, as if she could read my mind, she said "I don't know why I'm telling you this... there's just something about you that makes me feel comfortable to tell you".

People have been saying that to me all my life. "Something about you..." what the fuck does that even mean?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN PPL FFS.

I personally think that with how the world is currently, that although people don't mind sharing what's on their mind at any given moment, there's many people that could care less to hear it, and when they find someone that's friendly and doesn't mind listening, they become this sort of emotional parasite that leeches on to you. It's both kinda sweet and rather sad... they have to reach out to some stranger because their own family/friends could care less to inquire as to how they're doing. :/

It's overkill, and I put most blame on how everyone's zoned in to their phone/apps/social media sites... no one knows how to properly communicate and LISTEN... they just want to say what they want to say, yet they want everyone to notice...it's actually kinda funny in a sad way.

Now now, I can see the "OMG YOU'RE SO HYPOCRITICAL, YOU'RE WRITING IN A BLOG TO GET ATTENTION" look in your eyes (okay fine, can't actually SEE it, but I'm pretty damn sure you are thinking it)... actually no, cause barely a soul even knows I have this journal, this is mostly for me to vent and for the very slim few that read it, this journal is away to occupy a few moments of their time and perhaps give them a chuckle.... can't be bothered to go through the steps to make myself be known to all of the internet like I did waaaaaaaaay back when I had my domain...even then I couldn't contend with all the popular site owners who would do cam shows and wear barely fuck all in attempts to get more people to their site... I have always been a W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G kind of girl. Plus, I just don't have it in me to go and update this waste of space on the regular...and I'm pretty sure I'd run out of things to say eventually if I was trying to be clever with this journal 24/7.

I just find that I'm becoming more disenchanted with the online world... before it was a place to meet people and interact, there were so many new things to explore, it was a great way to spend your time. A lot of my buddies are people I met online, and have managed to keep as great friends as the years have passed... but these days,trying to find decent genuine people who aren't self absorbed is almost unheard of. People are rude as fuck, hiding under anonymity, harassing people for their own amusement, but in reality they wouldn't have the balls to say half the shit they do... and yet, you would think that, due to how easily our information is available online, whether from us posting it on fb/etc, that we would be more careful about disclosing our valuable information/whereabouts.

Now it's become one big circle jerk.

I miss the days where we could have something worth sharing to tell our friends/family members. I also miss how people used to listen.

If more people would be kinder to their fellow man/woman IN REAL LIFE... then perhaps there wouldn't be ladies like the one at the bus stop, who latch on to anyone who smiles in their direction.

I won't change the fact that I have an empathetic heart... I just wish more people would do the same instead of being all about themselves.

How to deal

At some point in our lives we've been given a bad hand.

And those of us who have been given the shitty end of the stick will take whatever is thrown their way and continue forward.

That doesn't mean that we're having an easy time doing so.

This year has proven to be one of the most stressful/unfair periods of my lifetime. And yet... I still keep on truckin' despite how down I feel.

Even I surprise myself. Death after death, unfairness after unfairness... I'm starting to wonder/worry as to when I will break. Yet I see people bitch about the most trivial bs on the regular... I wonder what would happen if they truly went through hardship... goodness knows we'd all know it due to them posting it on their fb to announce it to the world *headdesk*

When going through tough times, we must be grateful for the lil things...If it weren't for the love I receive from my family... I doubt I could have survived it all without becoming bitter as fuck.

I am thankful to be stubborn in times like these... for if it were not for my stubbornness or having something to live for *my children/my partner in crime* I doubt I'd still be here... or be sane.

I have moments of self pity like the rest... wondering what on earth did I do to deserve all the shit that's come my way.

But the reality is, no one truly deserves the shitty circumstances they are dealt (for the most part)... life is unfair, the world is unfair... we all go through adversity and challenging times...it's what we do during these hard times that defines our character.

Although lately I've been feeling like I'm at the breaking point, somewhere deep inside there is a part of me strong enough to shrug off all the unpleasant factors currently in my life and keep on livin' my life.

I would like to think that I will be given a better year in 2015, but I don't want to jinx myself.

Gotta get my groove back.

I must have lost it while having to deal with all the random shit that's been coming my way as of late.

I barely eat throughout the day due to runnin' around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and wind up eating at night, which has caused me to gain weight. Thankfully the extra poundage doesn't phase my big fella, he's loved me during my chubbier days and my slimmer days without complaint...but eh, I HATE how chubbeh my cheeks are, I look like I'm 16 ffs .__.;

I barely sleep... I work my ass off all day, then come home and deal with the demands of a toddler, a teenager who's changed her mannerisms so much that sometimes I feel like I barely know her, a tween who feels everything and tends to be a bit on the dramatic side at times, whilst maintaining a clean household/cooking etc etc. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of myself properly, nevermind tending to everything else and then having to change how I interact with my children as they change... but we all have to evolve and strive to be better, otherwise things get stagnant.

The past few months we've been going through a lot more paper work/transitions...now, even though things have somewhat calmed down, things were crazy hectic since March... and all this flurry of activity and change has left me a nervous wreck... all I do is think about work, which is not healthy.

I don't have an outlet really, other than here, which I don't usually feel inspired to write in.. my mind tends to draw a blank, or I just don't want to share the feelings of RAWR and GRRR that I've been storing silently in the back of my grey matter. I don't draw anymore, or read, or play video games (since my wii up and died on me), none of my friends talk to me (with the exception of a small group, who are busy with their own lives) so... methinks I may be reaching my rock bottom.

Something's gotta give...and I hope it won't be me. :c

Welcome to the corporate world lil girl.

In movies, most corporations are showcased as unscrupulous rapacious organizations that thrive on budget cuts, manipulation, deligating work and absolving themselves from blame, thanks to their expensive lawyers.

In most cases reality and fantasy are on different ends of the spectrum, but I am discovering that the movie's representation of big companies is damn well realistic.

I admit I've been naive pertaining to all the in's and out's of the corporate world...but the harsh reality is very eye opening and I now know why I was taught 3 special letters: CYA = Cover your ass.

Because if you don't cover your ass, no one will do it for you.

Have a meeting tomorrow. Should be interesting. We're arming ourselves with knowledge, I will no longer allow myself to continue my naive way of thinking... time to embrace the fact that in order for me to find the answers I seek, I need to ask the right questions.

Here's hoping tomorrow proves to be an eye opening experience to all parties involved.

Just once...

...I would like to go a day without being reprimanded...or questioned...or nagged at...or bitched at.

Because...it's really starting to get to me.

Apparently everything I attempt to do is wrong. I'm not managing my time well enough...I'm not documenting things immediately...I react to things improperly, my organizational skills are apparently lacking.

I am so fed up with being analyzed on the regular. I know...it's part of the job, or so they say.

Due to the fact that I have no one to talk to about my frustrations,  having to keep my feelings/opinions bottled up is not helping my emotional and mental well being. My hubby informs me that I'm handling situations wrong, that I shouldn't stress...that if I keep on taking things to heart that I may find that this job is not meant for me. Well, isn't that helpful. I'm sure he meant it to be...he's an upfront sort of fellow and I know he dislikes seeing me upset, but telling me I am doing things wrong...doesn't make me feel any better, I just feel like more of a failure for not being able to let things slide off me like water off a ducks back without feeling it's affect like he can. I lack the ability to be indifferent.

My fellow co workers are too busy with their own agenda to be concerned with mine, which is understandable...but it was really nice to be able to vent with a colleague when I was stressed out...I would feel lighter afterwards, and feel rejuvenated...alas, I have been informed that I am to keep to my own building and not bother my coworkers. Hell I can't even have a cig with my fellow RM directly across the street....so much for "teamwork".

My employer informed me that in several months I would become a wonderful Resident Manager.

...so what am I now? Mediocre?

I do my best to take things in stride and not allow my sensitive nature to interfere with my work...but I am an emotional creature naturally, and if I have to keep suppressing myself for the sake of not bothering people that are supposed to have my well being in mind, then I will eventually lose to my depression which has been lingering over my head for months.

I'm not a superwoman. I am human, I make mistakes, but for the mistakes I make...what about the good that I do? Why does that not get taken into account?

Methinks opening one of my various bottles of wine tonight may help to take the edge off, because nothing else has.

:c

Having a moment of weakness...

And I can't fucking stand it.

Hate feeling melancholy. Hate feeling alone. Hate feeling that no one truly wants to listen to me.

And yet, that's what I'm currently dealing with.

I have no one to confide in really. My big fella isn't much of a conversationalist like myself, and when I do converse with him, he either corrects my thinking or tries to fix things.

My daughters are enjoying their new experiences with school...so thinking to ask me how my day was when I ask them every day how theirs is... well it eludes them.

My lifestyle is so busy that I don't really have much free time, and when I do, I'm bloody well exhausted...even mustering up the energy to talk to a friend is hard when all day long I am answering phone calls and talking to people every few minutes. I'd like to scream to the heavens for my friends to call me, but I'm sure they're thinking "Well you could call ME..." and I could... but why must I always be the one to initiate?

Does anyone seem to care about how I'm feeling?

Nope. I am to work, come home, clean, cook dinner, deal with the lil one, listen to everyone tell me how their day is, and either occupy myself by means of the internet or go sleep. I'm actually happy that my toddler overslept and is now awake eating merrily watching Spongebob... at least I have company.

Don't you just hate...

Been working now for 2 months, going on 3. It's been a very eye opening experience, but it is quite enjoyable, even the unpleasant/random situations that occur on a regular basis hehe.

My hubby and I both work until 5 (if we're lucky >.<) and my girls watch our lil guy until we come home. We get to make random visits to see our kiddies so that makes things much more bearable :D. The girls have adjusted quite nicely to the area, and have mixed feelings about school starting soon...I felt the same when I was their age... to be both excited and nervous..it can feel overwhelming. All I can do is to continue to encourage them to be themselves, be open to people by showcasing their polite n' friendly traits(but don't take anyone's unecessary crap) and take each day as is, and if the day treated you unkindly, then perhaps tomorrow will prove to be kinder to you, that's all we can really ask for.

We're learning quickly, but realize there is still much more to learn. I'm thankful , so bloody thankful that we now live in a nice area, Hamilton is beautiful. It feels good to be productive, feel better about myself than I have in a very long time :/.

Wellll...right now I am taking a moment to relax, which can be rare for me these days lol. It's the long weekend, so it's been a quiet day at work, and I only have an hour and nine minutes before it's quittin' time, so I'm appreciating the fact that I can stay at home with the lil guy and just man the phones instead of being in my cave of an office :P.

Whiiich may have to work for the next day or so if my mom can't get her car fixed...she took my girlies along with her to visit family and friends in the good ol' U.S.A. but unfortunately...they're stuck there atm.

O__O

Van problems, oy. >_<

And school starts tomorrow! lol Oooh yes..I'm livin' the stress free life right now...lol *takes a breath* I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...being positive in my new position in the company, and trying to make everyone proud... which can be very weighing at times...but hey, so far people we associate with are taken with our work ethic, so I must be doing something right! lol

At the end of the month my fella and I will be done with the probationary period, which will help calm our nerves that much more :P. I'm always a lil nervous when approaching something new to figure out, but I don't get flustered if I can't figure it out right away, plus I have wonderful associates and tons of resources at my disposal, so I don't get stuck at one task for long, thank goodness lol.

I think the hardest thing about being newly employed is missing my kids. Granted I see them more than most working people would see theirs, but I miss engaging with them. I do my best, but I want to give them my everything, y'know? I often wonder if they are proud of me... or just want their previous lives despite the circumstances that came with living there. I think way too much, I really do.

Well my lil one is squirmin' away, a clear indication he's about to awaken from his slumber, so I'll end this unorganized mess of an entry and end it here :3/

So little time to do so much! YEEAAARRRRGH! >o<;

Holy crap.

Not enough hours in a day to do all the necessary shit we gotta do before we move. What I need is one of those handy dandy compases that Hermione Granger used in one of those Harry Potter flicks where she could stop time and what not...that would be effin' sweet...but alas, don't have that luxury *le sigh* :/. 
And I have a nagging feeling...that we won't be getting any help to pack...but that's not really surprising to me. As long as we have people to help us move on moving day, I'm content.

Today my fella and I went to meet up with the lady who gave us the job, to sign all the necessary paperwork. My gawd...there were so many things that were just plain common sense...but unfortunately there are those who lack common sense altogether, so the company has to ensure that there is no room for error.

Gotta admit, I'm dealing with a lot of conflicting emotions as of late. On one hand, I'm UBER excited to have a new place to call our own, to have a fresh start...to not constantly worry about finances...to have an actual job *other than doing websites and what not, I have been a stay at home mom for what seems like eons now*...

But...on the other hand...I'm nervous. Too many 'what if's' to contend with...plus, having our 'rents and good friends still here in Scarborough while we'll be in Hamilton... it's going to be a bittersweet farewell that's for sure...but we've had nothing but support from the people we love, and many have stated that they have no problem coming to visit, so that's comforting :D.

Also...it's going to be a big transition for not only us but for our girls... my youngest seems enthusiastic, whereas my eldest is still struggling a bit. There are many memories associated with this house...the girls grew up here...it's what they know, what they're accustomed to. I've been making sure to talk to them about all their fears/concerns and let them voice their opinions about everything that's going on, and I think the talks have been helping. Although the prospect of moving is a little daunting to them right now, I think that after awhile they will settle right on into their new place and actually enjoy their new dwellings.

I think the biggest stress we face right now is the packing! Oh the packing! D: We have accumulated quite a lot of crap in the years we've been living here, so our mission is to sort through the assorted mass of stuffs and discard all the things we no longer need...oh, did I forget to mention we're moving in less than 2 weeks? Chyeah...it's going to be crazy hectic here for awhile whether we like it or not. Plus, we have some other important paperwork to sign, as well,  I have to see my family doc to ensure I have enough enhalers to last me until we get a family physician in Hamilton...I'm hoping our doctor can refer us to someone decent, here's hoping!

So yeah... got a lot on my plate right now, but I wouldn't have it any other way! Besides, who said progress was easy to achieve anyway, right? ;D

Well that's my drivel for today, have a good one folks, much wuv n stuffs.

My children and the children of this world

ATTENTION: I am overtired, k? SOOooo... I'm a bit more brutally honest than I normally am. Keep in mind, not all young people are full of shit/themselves...there are some amazing/talented/giving/awesome young people out there who deserve recognition...and there are amazing parents that raise wonderful children...but this journal entry is not about those lovely lil pixies.

SO...if you dislike my tired honesty, yer just gonna have to either

A) Suck it up and deal
or
B) GO AWAY.

Now that we know the choices, let's proceed.

I'm sure you were expecting a predictable "Gawrsh I lurrrve mah kiddies, dey make me sooo proud, dey de bestest kiiids evarrrr!!!!!!1!" spiel like most parents...actually, these days it's not most from what I've noticed/heard...well, basically, every parent gushes about their children and how wonderful they are, whether they are wonderful or not is up for discussion.

BTW, my children rock...they may drive me to bouts of madness now and then over the regular type problems *cleaning up after themselves, their incessant bickering with each other...my toddler's amazing feats of splendor as he tries to dive off the couch or climb anything he see's*...but they are lovely children who are respectful and kind and have loving hearts.

...but I digress.

This post is mostly due to it being late at night, and my mind wandering through various thought processes...but sometimes it's good to let your mind wander...to explore your own thoughts/dreams/memories/hopes...for sometimes, sometimes...something profound happens.

(AAaaand sometimes you just ramble like an incoherent asshat, HOPING your collected thoughts don't make you appear too 'derp-ish', y'knowwhatimean).

You happen to encounter a moment where your perception of things change...where you look past what you already have deemed is right or wrong...you look outside the box so to speak...or sometimes...you just start to think about the world and the people in it.

Right now my thoughts revolve around the alarming trend of children who are raised with absolutely no morals/values/self worth/self respect. It deeply saddens me to see children/young teens these days...they have no direction, are self serving, expect everything to be given to them without them having to earn it...they masquerade around in either the baggiest clothing that makes them look like they had problems holding in their excrement in their tighty whitey's, or wear clothes so skin tight you can tell if the quarter in their pants is either heads or tails.

Sadly...these youngin's think that being superficial is normal...to be rude as all fuck with complete disregard towards  people, then they adamantly state that they deserve respect...as they proceed to give absolutely zip.

It just baffles my mind. Granted I'm no saint...I had my moment of questing my 'rents...of rebelling *which is pretty damn tame in comparison to some of the life stories I've heard from other people lol* ...had my moments where I thought life was unfair and felt sorry for myself.

And then, I grew stopped resisting growing older and embraced maturity. It was a long and painful process...and it's far from being over, it's on going.....but I'm much less obnoxious and selfish than I was 10 years ago. Realized that feeling sorry for myself solves nothing...that complaining about how unfair the world is...does not change the world in your favour...that if I want respect, I need to bloody well give it then, eh? I worked my ASS off raising my children...instilling morals and values...to show them the true meaning of unconditional love...to show them how being respected feels...to promote and encourage them...to listen first and give council after...to lavish affection and admiration upon them without their needing to be a 'reason' to. I gave up my personal life for a good chunk of time in order to be there for my kids and teach them to be good people with a level head on their shoulders...it's not like some lil pixie sprinkled her pixie dust and voila! Instant well behaved/adjusted children! Nah...that shit don't happen...you have to work at it...you have to WANT to be the best parent you can be in order to see your children shine and prosper in this life.

It just seems like most of the younger generation complains about trivial things...not having the newest iphone, or not being able to get that tat/piercing/nails done/bling winds up being a complete travesty in their eyes.

GET EFFIN' REALLLLLLL. There's much MUCH more that you could be enduring, and you're not, so shut your pieholes. Venting is fine...when it's something valid to vent about. Not getting McDonalds or having your curfew extension denied are NOT VALID REASONS.

It's easy to complain about the so called 'injustices' that you face...when you have encountered hardly anything substantial in your life...we are who we are by our life experiences and how we were raised...and it's depressing to see just how many parents could care less how their kids turn out in the long run because they are too preoccupied with the bills or whatever pleases them...I particularly find it amusing when they are flabbergasted that their kids turned out they way they did through their neglectful parenting...WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?? Honestly. I think it's about damn time parents start talking more openly with their children...make time to BE with them, ENGAGE them in conversation, TEACH THEM how to communicate their feelings with their words instead of letting them silently steam in silence then lash out with their fists....LISTEN to them instead of interrupt them because you ASSUME you know what they're talking about/feeling, DO things that interest THEM...remind them of the kind of life/reality they could face if they decided to throw their education away and embrace the "LETS GET HIGH 24/7 AND NOT DO SHIT" mentality *get them to watch the results of meth addiction on youtube...a REAL eye opener fo' realz.* and actually PREPARE them for the kind of shitty ass people and the bullshit they give and how to handle them without getting upset by their stupidity/rudeness...so they aren't totally blown away when they face certain people/life situations and become bitter ol' biddies like a large majority of people seem to be these days.

Our children need to be taught the difference between right and wrong...to realize that life IS unfair, but it can still be enjoyable...that in order to be respected by people, you have to treat people with respect and stop being abrasive childish over-dramatic self serving twats. To the youngin's who feel that the world owes them and that it's perfectly ok to cavort around with barely there clothing, for the love of all that is good in this world, stop showing off your prepubescent titties and flat ass in a thong/g-string...stop talking rudely because you think it makes you look bad ass *in actuality it just showcases your inability to use big boy/big girl words :/*..pull your baggy ass pants up because NO one thinks that's hot *unless you like the bulky diaper look* and get your ass in gear while you still have a chance to make an impact on the world...start building your legacy instead of wasting your time and everyone else's.

There is hope for you yet. And to the parents who have children like this due to their neglect/indifference... time to grow the fuck up and embrace the fact that you have children and stop doing wrong by them and be the role model they need you to be.

AND that's all...rant's done...it was wordy...REALLLL wordy but, hey, it's what I do. So have yourself a good one, I'm gonna go pass out.