Time flies when you're being productive

Gawd, it's been so long since I've written my thoughts out in this manner...that it feels foreign to me.

Gone are the days when I used to divulge every facet of my daily life, including dealing with nasal drip issues.

Aside from having a new job (wasn't my choice, company decided to sell the buildings in hamilton) lately I have been dealin' with my depression which is nothing new, but I am now what I consider 'functionally depressed'... I still feel blue as fuck but it doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do.

Kinda feel numb. I go through the actions as most normal people do, but I know full well I will never be considered normal.

Kinda stings a bit, because when I hear those terms I know they are viewing me like I do not belong because I'm not a cookie cutter copy of everyone else in existance, but then again I don't think I could even be what is considered normal...am I failure for not being like everyone else? Sometimes I am made to feel that way, innocently enough.

But I get tired of being called 'weird' or 'crazy'.... people really need to hone in on their vocabulary skills, so many wonderful words out there and they can't see past labeling someone something basic, cause it's easier for them to do so instead of perhaps reflecting upon themselves for being so lamely mediocre.

Why must I love people despite themselves so much? Makes it harder to hate them.

work work work work work

I apparently have an occupation, that, when you are already over extending yourself, they figure:

"Congratulations on being so proficient, here's MORE work for you to do because...we believe in you".

More like...

"No one else is willing to bend themselves into a pretzel to help this company out, and since you're pretty much the only one, we'll just give you additional tasks instead of perhaps...getting additional staff".

Don't get me wrong, for the most part my job is great... I have the social skills to be able to appease mostly everyone I encounter...paperwork is detailed and all that jazz. Every job has it's ups and downs... but I feel as though I'm not getting the proper credit for my efforts.

Being paid more for the additional work is fabulous, but being left to my own devices for long durations because my employers feel I can handle anything/everything (mostly due to no one else feeling the need to help out their fellow co worker and if I didn't offer my services, they would be fucked)....it gets a lil old, fast, y'know?

I have managed to lose 70 lbs in 3 months due to the stress I have been dealing with. Yeah, happy to be lighter, but not by these means.

I can only hope that my efforts prove worthwhile and I have the ability to climb up the levels of success...and not be rewarded with an inexpensive trinket at our yearly company get together.

Please think happy thoughts for me as I will soon be embarking on a quest for madness by covering for another coworker while he's getting married...for 10 days... and then I will be working every single day consecutively this month as I am also covering for who was covering for me when I went on vacation earlier this year.

*deep cleansing breaths*

Sometimes I wonder if my girls truly realize just how much I do :/

Disected.

Have you ever been faced with a side to you that you often excused, or dismissed?

Have you ever had people you love dissect you, showing the ugly truth as to who you are as a person compared to what you believed to be true of you?

Yeah.. it's pretty heavy. Necessary, indefinitely, however... realizing that you have failed on such a profound extreme due to lack of a vertebrae and selfishness...definitely breaks your heart quite a bit.

"It took so long
To realize
I can still hear
her last goodbyes

Now all my days
I'm filled in fears
Wish I could go back
And change the years

We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss"

Change is already in active play, been on the pathway up the hill to get to the other side...the obstacles are only the ones I put in the place of success at this point, must prove to myself and loved ones that I am worthy of their love and respect.

Fix things, you ignorant twat of a human being.

Self to self chat

Thing 1: So, self, how goes things?
Thing 2: Oh I'm surviving, and yourself?
Thing 1: Ditto, just dealin' with things on a day to day basis, you feel me?
Thing 2: Bruh... totally.
Thing 1: Let's stop the bs man, how you really feelin'?
Thing 2: ...I'm stressed, and I need to be intoxicated.
Thing 1: That's the spirit, bottom's up ol' chum! *clinkyclinkclink*

... sometimes I wish I had someone I could express myself in a dorky manner. I miss that stupid silly laugh a thon type deal that one has with good buddies.

I have been severely deprived of having any delight in my life (aside from children/family) for what seems likes eons now. Now don't get me wrong, I'm social as fuck, that's my job... I talk to people all day long. Often times I have to remind myself not to reply with "Hi there, how can I help you?" when my daughters/husband call out my name/ask me something.

Chyeah... it's that bad.

But it's reality... essentially I am at a point in my life where I am only as good as what I can do for others, (or that is how I am made left to feel) because really, really RLY RLY... no one seems to give the proverbial fuck. They say they do, but really, they don't. If you are unable to be a constant presence in their life, you become damn well forgettable. I may have accepted that, but not willingly... I had to come to that bitter realization/acceptance to prevent myself from exploding or something similar. Sometimes I'd like to just stand on that soap box and scream out the injustices of being forgotten... but y'see... I really have no ground to complain, due to the fact that I'm too effin' busy to do anything other than work, come home, and work some more, and then sleep... hell, I can't even get drunk to drown the shit out of my sorrows, so I deal with it soberly. Fun fun stuff, I highly encourage it./end sarcasm

Been dealin' with a lot of big changes at work yet again, and having recovered from a nasty bout of pneumonia and my child's surgery and on again/off again strains with my family... I am really surprised at how I am coping with everything. How am I not a flaming bitch, screaming nastily at everyone I encounter? I sometimes fear that my level of indifference has risen, thus causing me to feel less and less. Feeling nothing definitely frees me from enduring heartache and bullshit... but being numb to the point where I can find no amusement, no enjoyment of life.... man, I can never allow that level of apathy to envelope me fully, have too many dependant people in my life who require my services.

I look forward to the day... where everyone, and I mean everyone... appreciated the fact that I was in their life, for whatever amount of time I knew them, instead of caring less that I exist.

We do what we must.

I am a silent ball of nervous energy currently, awaiting a future discussion I will be having this evening.

This meeting may result in a big change, whether for the good or the bad is currently unclear...and that anxiousness of the unknown is making my insides tense.

As always, I hope for a calm civil discussion, the chance to make right, to evolve in every possible meaning.

But we shall see the outcome, I can only hope things turn out well and go forward in a positive direction.

The downfall of our society? Technology

Ah I can hear the discontent from here..

"How can you say technology hasn't helped humanity?!"

Very easily, as I just demonstrated when making the title for this blog post.

Now I'm not batshit crazy... I can definitely see some of the good that has happened by people's curiosity to explore the unknown and create helpful devices through technology.... hospitals have seen major improvements because of these people's determination to make technology work for us in the long run, for which I am thankful.

However, people have become so obsessed with their phone (or as I call it, their other limb due to the fact that they "can't live without it") to the point that they panic if they can't get wifi or get the latest updates on fb/twitter/instagram etc etc.

I've bitched about this before, but this issue is starting to get more out of hand as the months pass.

Do you know that they are trying to create sex robots who will be programmed to help their owner get an emotional attachment to them?? Reminds me of that one episode from Futurama, where they had to give a warning to those who chose a robot over a real human for companionship. It's coming true people!

Now people don't even try to get to know someone first, they stalk them on google/facebook, and judge them solely on appearance...they'll swipe you out of their memory before you even had a chance. When you're out in public, I don't know HOW many times I've had someone ram into me due to texting and walking. They don't give a shit because dammit, they have online priorities. Don't even get me started with texting and driving.

Or let's say you have a get together of people, and you'll still see these very people you invited, totally zoned out on their phone, texting to people who aren't there. FOR FUCK SAKES, PUT DOWN THE DAMN PHONE AND INTERACT YOU RUDE ASS PRICKS!.

Some people are also of the same mindset as me... now there are people who, if they decide to have a bunch of friends/family go out to eat, will take your phone, put it in the middle of a table and whomever decides to reach for their phone pays the bill. It's clever, but also quite pathetic that you have to go through those steps JUST to ensure that everyone is focusing on the people there instead of looking up pointless shit or snapping a pic of your food...NO ONE CARES.

I once dated a fellow who couldn't fathom how I didn't have a phone, even offered to buy me one, and seemed genuinely confused as to how I really did not desire a phone of my own.

I guess my yearning for people to go back to 'olden times' of conversing face to face or making an actual phone call has labeled me an oddball, but I'd rather be an oddball then relying on an ipad/iphone in order to amuse myself/keep me informed. Get a hobby and read the newspaper, you lazy fucks.

There seems to be a miscommunication in affect.

Sometimes I am left to feel that my opinion means squat.

At work, at home...basically my feelings are really unimportant to factor in, and my facts? Those only get embraced when I'm having a nervous fucking breakdown.

I may, for a fleeting moment, manage to convey to acquaintances and loved ones alike, that perhaps maybe, JUST maybe, they should be a little kinder, a lil more helpful...a lil more compassionate than what they currently are...but it only lasts for a brief while, and then the issues continue right from where they left off.

I am a peacemaker. I have been essentially been molded into one since I was younger due to seeing frequent arguments and bitter people around me. I hate drama, I hate conflict, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prevent things from escalating at an unpleasant rate, but due to how I handle things, I am being pegged as ignoring other people's opinions.

Let me clarify, I hear you, but I also can predict with a good amount of accuracy as to how it will all fold out due to people being too stubborn to see how their actions or lack thereof, affect others. Sometimes I make hard choices...choices I know will make someone upset, but it keeps the peace.  A burden I bear I suppose.

I can see the big picture people. I am witness to how things unravel if I don't try to keep the peace. And let me tell you, it's fucking emotional torture.

And so, due to my quest on keeping harmony, I have been labeled as 'wishy washy' or 'I go as the wind blows'. People who think that can keeping thinking that if it suits them, I tire of having to try to explain myself to certain people, just to realize that all my explaining is for naught and they will continue to think what they will.

I just find it funny that when I give the option "If I'm that draining...that horrible of a person as you portray me to be, why are you still choosing to have me in your life?" I never get an answer...so I guess people just want to bitch for the sake of bitching...perhaps they are uncomfortable with me possibly showcasing that their mannerisms/ways of dealing with conflict are not as sublime as they perceive them to be, and they just don't like someone unintentionally showing their true traits to them, as opposed to people who will be all "OH YOU"RE THE BEST" to your face, but lacking spines, they say shit behind your back.

I'm a nice person, and it takes a lot for me to stray from that mentality, but if I'm pissed off, there's a damn good reason.