I just met you, and this is crazy, but I will tell you my whole life story, so like me baby

Once upon a time in a magical land...

Okay scratch that magical land shit. Let's try this again.

Once upon a time back when I was younger and more naive than I currently am, I used to be an open book/heart on the sleeve sort of lass. I was always sharing about my thoughts/opinions/life...maybe because I thought I was hot shit, who knows.

But then facebook came to be. And although I resisted for the longest time, I eventually caved in and joined.

What a damn mistake that was, eesh.

It's like the Hotel California, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave /insert instrumental solo.

There is such a thing as giving too much information folks. Before the dawning of facebook, people would actually have something to converse about with a friend they hadn't spoken to in awhile, which was bloody well awesome. Now, with how everyone wants to showcase their whole world daily on facebook, there's not much to the imagination, and now that fb has the ability to be used through an app on most phones, EVERYONE AND THEIR PET MONKEY now feel the urge to inform the masses about every single little fucking thing they do, and take pictures to document it no less.

And don't even get me started on twitter and all the rest of those useless social media sites, what a fucking waste.

Does no one want to be mysterious anymore? Is that a passing fad like msn messenger?

But I can't escape from people wanting to inform me about every little thing... I have random interactions with random people throughout the day, and no matter where I go, there is always someone spilling their guts about issues I really have no business in being informed upon. (Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hearing about my family and close friends' lives/opinions, I'm referring to people that I don't/barely know).

I remember one time I was waiting for a bus at the hospital *can't even remember why I was at the hospital that day, I'm sure there was a good reason..* and this lady came hobbling up towards me and sat down beside me. Me being me, I struck up general chit chat as we waited for that godforsaken bus to arrive, and I guess me being generally friendly was enough of a cue for her to then go into detail about the injustices/unpleasant situations currently happening in her life. I just stared at her bug eyed as she went on about how her daughter broke her leg and how her kids have abandoned her... then, as if she could read my mind, she said "I don't know why I'm telling you this... there's just something about you that makes me feel comfortable to tell you".

People have been saying that to me all my life. "Something about you..." what the fuck does that even mean?  WHAT DOES IT MEAN PPL FFS.

I personally think that with how the world is currently, that although people don't mind sharing what's on their mind at any given moment, there's many people that could care less to hear it, and when they find someone that's friendly and doesn't mind listening, they become this sort of emotional parasite that leeches on to you. It's both kinda sweet and rather sad... they have to reach out to some stranger because their own family/friends could care less to inquire as to how they're doing. :/

It's overkill, and I put most blame on how everyone's zoned in to their phone/apps/social media sites... no one knows how to properly communicate and LISTEN... they just want to say what they want to say, yet they want everyone to notice...it's actually kinda funny in a sad way.

Now now, I can see the "OMG YOU'RE SO HYPOCRITICAL, YOU'RE WRITING IN A BLOG TO GET ATTENTION" look in your eyes (okay fine, can't actually SEE it, but I'm pretty damn sure you are thinking it)... actually no, cause barely a soul even knows I have this journal, this is mostly for me to vent and for the very slim few that read it, this journal is away to occupy a few moments of their time and perhaps give them a chuckle.... can't be bothered to go through the steps to make myself be known to all of the internet like I did waaaaaaaaay back when I had my domain...even then I couldn't contend with all the popular site owners who would do cam shows and wear barely fuck all in attempts to get more people to their site... I have always been a W.Y.S.I.W.Y.G kind of girl. Plus, I just don't have it in me to go and update this waste of space on the regular...and I'm pretty sure I'd run out of things to say eventually if I was trying to be clever with this journal 24/7.

I just find that I'm becoming more disenchanted with the online world... before it was a place to meet people and interact, there were so many new things to explore, it was a great way to spend your time. A lot of my buddies are people I met online, and have managed to keep as great friends as the years have passed... but these days,trying to find decent genuine people who aren't self absorbed is almost unheard of. People are rude as fuck, hiding under anonymity, harassing people for their own amusement, but in reality they wouldn't have the balls to say half the shit they do... and yet, you would think that, due to how easily our information is available online, whether from us posting it on fb/etc, that we would be more careful about disclosing our valuable information/whereabouts.

Now it's become one big circle jerk.

I miss the days where we could have something worth sharing to tell our friends/family members. I also miss how people used to listen.

If more people would be kinder to their fellow man/woman IN REAL LIFE... then perhaps there wouldn't be ladies like the one at the bus stop, who latch on to anyone who smiles in their direction.

I won't change the fact that I have an empathetic heart... I just wish more people would do the same instead of being all about themselves.

How to deal

At some point in our lives we've been given a bad hand.

And those of us who have been given the shitty end of the stick will take whatever is thrown their way and continue forward.

That doesn't mean that we're having an easy time doing so.

This year has proven to be one of the most stressful/unfair periods of my lifetime. And yet... I still keep on truckin' despite how down I feel.

Even I surprise myself. Death after death, unfairness after unfairness... I'm starting to wonder/worry as to when I will break. Yet I see people bitch about the most trivial bs on the regular... I wonder what would happen if they truly went through hardship... goodness knows we'd all know it due to them posting it on their fb to announce it to the world *headdesk*

When going through tough times, we must be grateful for the lil things...If it weren't for the love I receive from my family... I doubt I could have survived it all without becoming bitter as fuck.

I am thankful to be stubborn in times like these... for if it were not for my stubbornness or having something to live for *my children/my partner in crime* I doubt I'd still be here... or be sane.

I have moments of self pity like the rest... wondering what on earth did I do to deserve all the shit that's come my way.

But the reality is, no one truly deserves the shitty circumstances they are dealt (for the most part)... life is unfair, the world is unfair... we all go through adversity and challenging times...it's what we do during these hard times that defines our character.

Although lately I've been feeling like I'm at the breaking point, somewhere deep inside there is a part of me strong enough to shrug off all the unpleasant factors currently in my life and keep on livin' my life.

I would like to think that I will be given a better year in 2015, but I don't want to jinx myself.

Gotta get my groove back.

I must have lost it while having to deal with all the random shit that's been coming my way as of late.

I barely eat throughout the day due to runnin' around like a chicken with it's head cut off, and wind up eating at night, which has caused me to gain weight. Thankfully the extra poundage doesn't phase my big fella, he's loved me during my chubbier days and my slimmer days without complaint...but eh, I HATE how chubbeh my cheeks are, I look like I'm 16 ffs .__.;

I barely sleep... I work my ass off all day, then come home and deal with the demands of a toddler, a teenager who's changed her mannerisms so much that sometimes I feel like I barely know her, a tween who feels everything and tends to be a bit on the dramatic side at times, whilst maintaining a clean household/cooking etc etc. I'm having a hard enough time taking care of myself properly, nevermind tending to everything else and then having to change how I interact with my children as they change... but we all have to evolve and strive to be better, otherwise things get stagnant.

The past few months we've been going through a lot more paper work/transitions...now, even though things have somewhat calmed down, things were crazy hectic since March... and all this flurry of activity and change has left me a nervous wreck... all I do is think about work, which is not healthy.

I don't have an outlet really, other than here, which I don't usually feel inspired to write in.. my mind tends to draw a blank, or I just don't want to share the feelings of RAWR and GRRR that I've been storing silently in the back of my grey matter. I don't draw anymore, or read, or play video games (since my wii up and died on me), none of my friends talk to me (with the exception of a small group, who are busy with their own lives) so... methinks I may be reaching my rock bottom.

Something's gotta give...and I hope it won't be me. :c

Welcome to the corporate world lil girl.

In movies, most corporations are showcased as unscrupulous rapacious organizations that thrive on budget cuts, manipulation, deligating work and absolving themselves from blame, thanks to their expensive lawyers.

In most cases reality and fantasy are on different ends of the spectrum, but I am discovering that the movie's representation of big companies is damn well realistic.

I admit I've been naive pertaining to all the in's and out's of the corporate world...but the harsh reality is very eye opening and I now know why I was taught 3 special letters: CYA = Cover your ass.

Because if you don't cover your ass, no one will do it for you.

Have a meeting tomorrow. Should be interesting. We're arming ourselves with knowledge, I will no longer allow myself to continue my naive way of thinking... time to embrace the fact that in order for me to find the answers I seek, I need to ask the right questions.

Here's hoping tomorrow proves to be an eye opening experience to all parties involved.

Just once...

...I would like to go a day without being reprimanded...or questioned...or nagged at...or bitched at.

Because...it's really starting to get to me.

Apparently everything I attempt to do is wrong. I'm not managing my time well enough...I'm not documenting things immediately...I react to things improperly, my organizational skills are apparently lacking.

I am so fed up with being analyzed on the regular. I know...it's part of the job, or so they say.

Due to the fact that I have no one to talk to about my frustrations,  having to keep my feelings/opinions bottled up is not helping my emotional and mental well being. My hubby informs me that I'm handling situations wrong, that I shouldn't stress...that if I keep on taking things to heart that I may find that this job is not meant for me. Well, isn't that helpful. I'm sure he meant it to be...he's an upfront sort of fellow and I know he dislikes seeing me upset, but telling me I am doing things wrong...doesn't make me feel any better, I just feel like more of a failure for not being able to let things slide off me like water off a ducks back without feeling it's affect like he can. I lack the ability to be indifferent.

My fellow co workers are too busy with their own agenda to be concerned with mine, which is understandable...but it was really nice to be able to vent with a colleague when I was stressed out...I would feel lighter afterwards, and feel rejuvenated...alas, I have been informed that I am to keep to my own building and not bother my coworkers. Hell I can't even have a cig with my fellow RM directly across the street....so much for "teamwork".

My employer informed me that in several months I would become a wonderful Resident Manager.

...so what am I now? Mediocre?

I do my best to take things in stride and not allow my sensitive nature to interfere with my work...but I am an emotional creature naturally, and if I have to keep suppressing myself for the sake of not bothering people that are supposed to have my well being in mind, then I will eventually lose to my depression which has been lingering over my head for months.

I'm not a superwoman. I am human, I make mistakes, but for the mistakes I make...what about the good that I do? Why does that not get taken into account?

Methinks opening one of my various bottles of wine tonight may help to take the edge off, because nothing else has.

:c

Having a moment of weakness...

And I can't fucking stand it.

Hate feeling melancholy. Hate feeling alone. Hate feeling that no one truly wants to listen to me.

And yet, that's what I'm currently dealing with.

I have no one to confide in really. My big fella isn't much of a conversationalist like myself, and when I do converse with him, he either corrects my thinking or tries to fix things.

My daughters are enjoying their new experiences with school...so thinking to ask me how my day was when I ask them every day how theirs is... well it eludes them.

My lifestyle is so busy that I don't really have much free time, and when I do, I'm bloody well exhausted...even mustering up the energy to talk to a friend is hard when all day long I am answering phone calls and talking to people every few minutes. I'd like to scream to the heavens for my friends to call me, but I'm sure they're thinking "Well you could call ME..." and I could... but why must I always be the one to initiate?

Does anyone seem to care about how I'm feeling?

Nope. I am to work, come home, clean, cook dinner, deal with the lil one, listen to everyone tell me how their day is, and either occupy myself by means of the internet or go sleep. I'm actually happy that my toddler overslept and is now awake eating merrily watching Spongebob... at least I have company.

Don't you just hate...

Been working now for 2 months, going on 3. It's been a very eye opening experience, but it is quite enjoyable, even the unpleasant/random situations that occur on a regular basis hehe.

My hubby and I both work until 5 (if we're lucky >.<) and my girls watch our lil guy until we come home. We get to make random visits to see our kiddies so that makes things much more bearable :D. The girls have adjusted quite nicely to the area, and have mixed feelings about school starting soon...I felt the same when I was their age... to be both excited and nervous..it can feel overwhelming. All I can do is to continue to encourage them to be themselves, be open to people by showcasing their polite n' friendly traits(but don't take anyone's unecessary crap) and take each day as is, and if the day treated you unkindly, then perhaps tomorrow will prove to be kinder to you, that's all we can really ask for.

We're learning quickly, but realize there is still much more to learn. I'm thankful , so bloody thankful that we now live in a nice area, Hamilton is beautiful. It feels good to be productive, feel better about myself than I have in a very long time :/.

Wellll...right now I am taking a moment to relax, which can be rare for me these days lol. It's the long weekend, so it's been a quiet day at work, and I only have an hour and nine minutes before it's quittin' time, so I'm appreciating the fact that I can stay at home with the lil guy and just man the phones instead of being in my cave of an office :P.

Whiiich may have to work for the next day or so if my mom can't get her car fixed...she took my girlies along with her to visit family and friends in the good ol' U.S.A. but unfortunately...they're stuck there atm.

O__O

Van problems, oy. >_<

And school starts tomorrow! lol Oooh yes..I'm livin' the stress free life right now...lol *takes a breath* I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...being positive in my new position in the company, and trying to make everyone proud... which can be very weighing at times...but hey, so far people we associate with are taken with our work ethic, so I must be doing something right! lol

At the end of the month my fella and I will be done with the probationary period, which will help calm our nerves that much more :P. I'm always a lil nervous when approaching something new to figure out, but I don't get flustered if I can't figure it out right away, plus I have wonderful associates and tons of resources at my disposal, so I don't get stuck at one task for long, thank goodness lol.

I think the hardest thing about being newly employed is missing my kids. Granted I see them more than most working people would see theirs, but I miss engaging with them. I do my best, but I want to give them my everything, y'know? I often wonder if they are proud of me... or just want their previous lives despite the circumstances that came with living there. I think way too much, I really do.

Well my lil one is squirmin' away, a clear indication he's about to awaken from his slumber, so I'll end this unorganized mess of an entry and end it here :3/