Realizing it's okay to be a noob at life

I am always so damn negative with myself.

I hold onto all of the poor decisions I've made...decisions made in laziness, apathy, frustration or pettiness...I can't seem to let go of my past transgressions even though all I want is to no longer be haunted by my mistakes.

I've been waking up crying for awhile now...dreaming about how much of a failure I am, how once my mother dies, I feel like no one will truly love me unconditionally, which is terrifying as I know I am not perfect and can drive people batty with some of my mannerisms....and I feel that with my other relationships, I will fuck it up somehow by saying/not saying/doing/not doing something and then I will be unloved and alone. My anxiety has grown over this by several degrees the past few months, although I do my best to hide it.

I tire of always feeling like I am a colossal failure of a mother, and overall human being in general because I should already have my shit together and clearly, I'm not even close.

When I've spoken up about how I deserve nothing, I have lovely lovely people who will nay say any negative deprecating remarks I make about myself, chiming in on how lovely I am and such. It's certainly touching, and I am beyond relieved that there are people out there who have deemed me worthy of kindness/love...the problem has never been with others loving me, it's me not loving myself.

Like...I am aware of my strong points....what I excel at... but when you're focused on yourself as a whole, all those lovely things disappear and you are left going "but WHY would anyone love you, LOOK at yourself" no matter what anyone else might say.

Sounds stupid right? Ah, it's just my mental state ...can't be helped I suppose.

I can only hope my children look back at their time with their mother with some fondness and miss me a bit.

I can only hope my mother is proud of me and who I have become.

I can only hope I am being a good partner to my hubby and a good friend to the ones I hold near and dear.


The one thing that I have learned.... is that NO one has figured out this being alive/thriving shit 100%. We're all struggling in some way/fashion....we are all discovering ourselves...what we will tollerate, what we can achieve, what we can change...but usually you have to fuck up large before you get that moment of "A HA!"and things become clearer or easier to digest...and you're a little more welcoming of yourself, the good and the bad traits.

...but for now...I still believe I am unworthy to have good things in my life due to my perceptions of myself. Maybe one day that will change, but for now... I am always silently dreading being me.

Who ARE you strange lady staring back at me in the mirror

These days, I don't resemble myself at all.

My appearance has changed drastically and I am a much smaller version of who I was before, weight wise.

Due to lack of proper sleep/nutrition, if I don't put on my war paint for the day (aka makeup), I look like I haven't slept in frickin' eons...and because I am a visual component for my job, my appearance is always commented on by everyone I encounter.

"You look tired."

or the ever popular:

"Are you sick? You look rough".

And to those people, I say:

"THIS IS MY FACE YO. MAH FACE. FINE LINES/DARK CIRCLES N SHIT...THIS IS HOW I LOOK NORMALLY....but hey, wtg on making me feel that if I don't look perfect, that I look hideous/ill/dying from some strange disease".

But now...due to the weight loss, EVERYONE wants to discuss it:

"Oh you look so good!...uh, not to say that you didn't look good before...you look better...I...er I mean...did I forget to mention you look great?"

"You must be exercising" or "what diet are you on, the results are great".

...
...

See, I used to be a more voluptuous lass in the day. Fuck, been fighting with the battle of the bulge for so long, it's just become normal.

So, due to having been on the receiving end of the looks of contempt for daring to be overweight, and then seeing these same people being two faced and now welcoming me based solely for superficial reasons, makes me sick to my stomach, 'cause...well, I've always accepted people for who they are, I don't care what they look like/their skin pigmentation/their background/what they may or may not have between their legs, people with disabilities... why should any of that hold any value? It DOESN'T, and SHOULDN'T, and it pisses me off when you see people being all "WOW YOU LOOK GOOD LETS HANG OUT MORE" or "Ooh...you were the token fat chick at our outtings, now you're becoming competition so we can't hang out with you anymore"... honestly, what IN the holy fuck is that nonsense eh? Blows my damn mind.

I guess I'm fed up over how shallow people are, makes me livid sometimes...and makes me want to go hide under my covers and tell the world to fuck right off.

Time flies when you're being productive

Gawd, it's been so long since I've written my thoughts out in this manner...that it feels foreign to me.

Gone are the days when I used to divulge every facet of my daily life, including dealing with nasal drip issues.

Aside from having a new job (wasn't my choice, company decided to sell the buildings in hamilton) lately I have been dealin' with my depression which is nothing new, but I am now what I consider 'functionally depressed'... I still feel blue as fuck but it doesn't stop me from doing what I need to do.

Kinda feel numb. I go through the actions as most normal people do, but I know full well I will never be considered normal.

Kinda stings a bit, because when I hear those terms I know they are viewing me like I do not belong because I'm not a cookie cutter copy of everyone else in existance, but then again I don't think I could even be what is considered normal...am I failure for not being like everyone else? Sometimes I am made to feel that way, innocently enough.

But I get tired of being called 'weird' or 'crazy'.... people really need to hone in on their vocabulary skills, so many wonderful words out there and they can't see past labeling someone something basic, cause it's easier for them to do so instead of perhaps reflecting upon themselves for being so lamely mediocre.

Why must I love people despite themselves so much? Makes it harder to hate them.

work work work work work

I apparently have an occupation, that, when you are already over extending yourself, they figure:

"Congratulations on being so proficient, here's MORE work for you to do because...we believe in you".

More like...

"No one else is willing to bend themselves into a pretzel to help this company out, and since you're pretty much the only one, we'll just give you additional tasks instead of perhaps...getting additional staff".

Don't get me wrong, for the most part my job is great... I have the social skills to be able to appease mostly everyone I encounter...paperwork is detailed and all that jazz. Every job has it's ups and downs... but I feel as though I'm not getting the proper credit for my efforts.

Being paid more for the additional work is fabulous, but being left to my own devices for long durations because my employers feel I can handle anything/everything (mostly due to no one else feeling the need to help out their fellow co worker and if I didn't offer my services, they would be fucked)....it gets a lil old, fast, y'know?

I have managed to lose 70 lbs in 3 months due to the stress I have been dealing with. Yeah, happy to be lighter, but not by these means.

I can only hope that my efforts prove worthwhile and I have the ability to climb up the levels of success...and not be rewarded with an inexpensive trinket at our yearly company get together.

Please think happy thoughts for me as I will soon be embarking on a quest for madness by covering for another coworker while he's getting married...for 10 days... and then I will be working every single day consecutively this month as I am also covering for who was covering for me when I went on vacation earlier this year.

*deep cleansing breaths*

Sometimes I wonder if my girls truly realize just how much I do :/

Disected.

Have you ever been faced with a side to you that you often excused, or dismissed?

Have you ever had people you love dissect you, showing the ugly truth as to who you are as a person compared to what you believed to be true of you?

Yeah.. it's pretty heavy. Necessary, indefinitely, however... realizing that you have failed on such a profound extreme due to lack of a vertebrae and selfishness...definitely breaks your heart quite a bit.

"It took so long
To realize
I can still hear
her last goodbyes

Now all my days
I'm filled in fears
Wish I could go back
And change the years

We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss
We're going through chaaaaaaaaaangesssssss"

Change is already in active play, been on the pathway up the hill to get to the other side...the obstacles are only the ones I put in the place of success at this point, must prove to myself and loved ones that I am worthy of their love and respect.

Fix things, you ignorant twat of a human being.

Self to self chat

Thing 1: So, self, how goes things?
Thing 2: Oh I'm surviving, and yourself?
Thing 1: Ditto, just dealin' with things on a day to day basis, you feel me?
Thing 2: Bruh... totally.
Thing 1: Let's stop the bs man, how you really feelin'?
Thing 2: ...I'm stressed, and I need to be intoxicated.
Thing 1: That's the spirit, bottom's up ol' chum! *clinkyclinkclink*

... sometimes I wish I had someone I could express myself in a dorky manner. I miss that stupid silly laugh a thon type deal that one has with good buddies.

I have been severely deprived of having any delight in my life (aside from children/family) for what seems likes eons now. Now don't get me wrong, I'm social as fuck, that's my job... I talk to people all day long. Often times I have to remind myself not to reply with "Hi there, how can I help you?" when my daughters/husband call out my name/ask me something.

Chyeah... it's that bad.

But it's reality... essentially I am at a point in my life where I am only as good as what I can do for others, (or that is how I am made left to feel) because really, really RLY RLY... no one seems to give the proverbial fuck. They say they do, but really, they don't. If you are unable to be a constant presence in their life, you become damn well forgettable. I may have accepted that, but not willingly... I had to come to that bitter realization/acceptance to prevent myself from exploding or something similar. Sometimes I'd like to just stand on that soap box and scream out the injustices of being forgotten... but y'see... I really have no ground to complain, due to the fact that I'm too effin' busy to do anything other than work, come home, and work some more, and then sleep... hell, I can't even get drunk to drown the shit out of my sorrows, so I deal with it soberly. Fun fun stuff, I highly encourage it./end sarcasm

Been dealin' with a lot of big changes at work yet again, and having recovered from a nasty bout of pneumonia and my child's surgery and on again/off again strains with my family... I am really surprised at how I am coping with everything. How am I not a flaming bitch, screaming nastily at everyone I encounter? I sometimes fear that my level of indifference has risen, thus causing me to feel less and less. Feeling nothing definitely frees me from enduring heartache and bullshit... but being numb to the point where I can find no amusement, no enjoyment of life.... man, I can never allow that level of apathy to envelope me fully, have too many dependant people in my life who require my services.

I look forward to the day... where everyone, and I mean everyone... appreciated the fact that I was in their life, for whatever amount of time I knew them, instead of caring less that I exist.

We do what we must.

I am a silent ball of nervous energy currently, awaiting a future discussion I will be having this evening.

This meeting may result in a big change, whether for the good or the bad is currently unclear...and that anxiousness of the unknown is making my insides tense.

As always, I hope for a calm civil discussion, the chance to make right, to evolve in every possible meaning.

But we shall see the outcome, I can only hope things turn out well and go forward in a positive direction.